Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
