positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
