Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
