Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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