what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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