i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
