i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
