Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
