The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
