i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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