I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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