mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
