you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
