I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
