So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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