So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
