I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize