I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
