I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Randomize
