dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Randomize
