so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
