Bisexual people are plain selfish.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
