My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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