I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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