Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
