Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
