my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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