If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
