i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
