The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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