Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
