Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
What did we do last night that was yellow?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Randomize
