Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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