every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
