you have to choose: penises or morals?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
