in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize