I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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