come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
