Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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