I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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