I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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