i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
