i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
