I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
