ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
