I'll bet she douches with gravy.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
