Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
