if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
