I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
It's shark week go big or go home
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
