i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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