Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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