college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
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