You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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