then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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