I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize