Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
