Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
