i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
