U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
