My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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