i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
