Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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