Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
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