Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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