Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
