I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Someone came in the potted fern
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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